So, I'm not doing the whole New Year's resolution thing this year. Actually, I really never have.
I'm leery of trying to predict the outcome of the entire next year. While I will most definitely assert that some good things are going to happen to and for me, I can't definitively say that it will be the best year ever, or anything sweeping like that.
People set themselves up for disappointment by thinking only good things will happen in a given year. I've gone into a new year many times, saying, "this is gonna be the best year of my life," and proceeded to have the worst year imaginable. So, I won't set that trap for myself this year. What I will say, however, is that some great things are going to happen for me.
I have also decided to change my approach to some of the people in my life, but not starting January 1, 2016, starting right now.
It's Christmas Eve, and I'm not feeling particularly festive, but the gift I have decided to give myself is to make a definitive cut between me and those who show me no respect or regard.
In general, people tend to be selfish, narcissistic, insecure and petty. Social media has done nothing to deter this downward spiral in human character. In fact, it's helped us to be more self-focused and narrow in our thinking.
I mean, it's a big huge world, but if all I care about are my husband or boyfriend, my kids, and showing off what I have or have done, I'm missing the opportunity to interact with millions of people in a meaningful way.
However, that's all most people tend to care about: their menial, fishbowl little lives, and social media gives them a platform to exhibit that egotistic, narcissistic behavior. As a result, everyone thinks they're a superstar, a hero of their own reality show, with lights and hidden cameras.
I've never seen so many makeshift philosophers, gurus and experts, who in most cases, have no qualifications or experience with the topics in which they tout expertise. While that is or can be annoying, let them have their little stage. For a lot of people, bragging on social media is the only sense of significance they have. Which is entirely sad.
That said, I despise the fact that people have used social media to be even worse human beings than before. I've dealt with so many disgusting issues in my interpersonal relationships this year - and most of these individuals have used social media to exacerbate these issues.
You look up and a friend you have known personally for decades, "unfriended" you on Facebook. This person has your phone number, email address, home address, but has not reached out to you by any of those methods to even let you know there is a problem. Instead, they push a button on their phone's touch screen to send you a passive aggressive message that something is wrong in your relationship? And why?
In the name of all that is rational.....what in the entire hell?? Why would any self-respecting adult stoop to such a petty level??
This has been a terrible year for me, health-wise. I've been battling an unknown condition for almost the entire year, which has completely interrupted the natural flow of what was my life. Under normal circumstances, I'm an outgoing, communicative person, but the mysterious health condition I've battled since March has hampered my ability to visit friends and family, and has affected me such that I don't like to talk on the phone as much.
As a result, I have not spent time with many of those who've been close to me. Also as a result, I've come to the painful realization that the folks I thought were in my corner aren't really there at all. Their lack of understanding, insensitivity and sheer cruelty has toppled me to the ground.
It's bad enough to spend days in shuddering pain, unable to walk, praying for just a little relief, but to have friends and family catch attitudes because you are unable to spend time, visit or talk to them on the phone is just downright ridiculous. Especially when they know your situation.
One by one, you try to explain to your family and friends the nature of this sudden infirmity in your body, amid your own questions about symptoms, tests, medications, diagnoses...
It's utterly exhausting to try to explain the nature of an illness for which there is no diagnosis. If the doctors don't know what's going on, and I don't know what's going on, how can I explain it to you? And why do you expect me to try?
Ranging from the well-meaning, the nosy, to the completely apathetic - I'm so tired of talking to people. Trying to explain myself and the changes in my behavior...only to have these same people accuse me of all manner of things such as disloyalty, selfishness, rudeness - because I'm in pain and don't feel like talking???? How much of a selfish ass can one be??? While I'm ailing? Yeah, pretty awful.
I've had this result with sooo many people, like I #owe them to call them every other day and tell them the latest, so they can get off the phone with me and gossip to the next person about my life.
And what about the ones who knew I was suffering, but said nothing? No calls, no texts, no encouragement? When those same people have cried bitter tears into my sweater, while I prayed and cried with them, reassuring them that things would get better.
I thought friendships and family relationships were supposed to provide support in times of struggle? Wrong I was. Sometimes, but not wholesale.
In any event, this year has taught me who's really on my team, and it ain't the people I thought were riding for me...
While I may not have read them their rights or blasted them on social media, I've "unfriended" them in my heart.
I've quietly made the decision as to who made the cut, and who didn't.
I've unplugged the life support for those dying, decaying friendships where I'm the only one who calls, texts or reaches out.
I've taken good notes on those family members who called and texted every day when it was to their advantage, and then completely stopped reaching out when they weren't getting what they wanted.
Yes, I saw that too. So noted.
I've cut familial ties with those who took to social media to run me into the ground about something they "heard," instead of picking up the phone to talk, like we always did before.
Took note also of co-workers who called or texted just to get the latest so they could share it with the gossip mill. My life is not here to fuel gossip or provide entertainment.
What about the "family" that doesn't talk to you, but sends others to gather information on your condition?
I've seen enough selfishness to last me the rest of my life.
It's amazing how we labor under the assumption that family and friends are really down for us, in good times and bad. It's a stark, painful reality that people are in your corner only when it's convenient for or benefits them.
I'm the type of friend, daughter, sister, aunt, who is genuinely in the pocket for those dear to me. I don't just say it, I back up that commitment with action.
Now, realistically, I don't expect everyone to be as die-hard as I am about showing love, respect and appreciation.
However, I don't think it too much to ask to expect people to show some level of human decency - their own level of it - back towards me. I can honestly say that I haven't expected anyone to give me what they haven't already shown they can give.
If it's just a text to say "how are you? I heard you were dealing with some health issues" or "praying for you." Instead, I've met with cryptic Facebook messages filled with digs, lies and accusation. Yeah, I know you've been struggling every day just to get out of bed, but how about I blast you for not calling me. How about I talk about you behind your back and make you look insensitive, villainous and evil?
I sincerely hope that those who've shown no understanding or patience with me while I've dealt with my health struggles never find themselves in a place where people are cruel and uncaring toward them about something they cannot help.
Anyway, I've made some inward decisions about how I'll be handling people going forward.
So, starting today, Christmas Eve, the only people who will get my unguarded, concentrated love and attention are my Mother and Brother, who've shown unwavering love and support, Jesus, who's never left me, and my dogs. A very select few others. That's it. Anyone else is just a gamble - a risk I'm not willing to take right now.
As big as my heart is, it has gotten smaller in 2015. I've learned a hard lesson this year, but I've adjusted myself accordingly. Stop giving your best to people, who on any given day, are totally willing to give you their worst.
Friendships, family allegiances, acquaintances, co-workers, church members....cannot not be trusted or relied upon during tough times. You'll look to them for support and get accusations instead. Only God is consistent and can be trusted to never change.
With pen in hand, I make no resolutions for 2016; rather, I've made decisions and adjustments for my life - ones that will shield me from the fall that comes from leaning on an unreliable source.
I'm convinced that people can be horrible, and not care about their own horrid actions. People are selfish, and they enjoy reveling in their own narcissism.
For someone like me, it's hard to operate in a world where genuine caring is so rare. So, how do I function in this callous society with a heart as open as mine?
I wonder: if people don't care, perhaps I should not either. Meaning, I should sever relationships with people who can so easily cast me aside. I've always been a giving person, and I've always held my loved ones close to my heart, but I can't let them stay there. Not after what I've seen from them this year. And I'm making peace with that.
What a time to learn such an achingly-etched lesson. I'll be 40 in 2 weeks. My corner is empty, save those I named. I feel sadder, but lighter.
I guess this is part of growing up. I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm still growing, but some days, I wish it wasn't so hard; that the reality wasn't so piercing.
But it is. And here I am.
Sweeping the floor of the broken pieces, and debris, collecting those pieces, and throwing them into the garbage can.
Maybe there are better friends in my future. People who value me as I am, whether I can do anything for them or not. Can't trade in your family, but I will gradually pull the shards of glass from my heart, and it'll heal from the disappointment of family. Maybe I'll adopt a new family. Who knows?
In any event, the cut has been made. First, to my heart, but now, in my heart.
And I'm fine with that. ✌
