Cease and Desist

You ever get tired of something being the way that it has been for so long?  I mean, tired enough to just stop whatever you are doing, and DECIDE to call an end to it? Yeah, me too.


And on this-wise, I'm gonna have to go biblical on y'all. 


Luke 8: 
43And a woman having an issue of blood twelve years, which had spent all her living upon physicians, neither could be healed of any, 44Came behind him, and touched the border of his garment: and immediately her issue of blood stanched. 45And Jesus said, Who touched me? When all denied, Peter and they that were with him said, Master, the multitude throng thee and press thee, and sayest thou, Who touched me? 46And Jesus said, Somebody hath touched me: for I perceive that virtue is gone out of me. 47And when the woman saw that she was not hid, she came trembling, and falling down before him, she declared unto him before all the people for what cause she had touched him, and how she was healed immediately.48And he said unto her, Daughter, be of good comfort: thy faith hath made thee whole; go in peace.

We've all come across that one person in our lives who seems to be so fortunate, favored or "lucky," as some call it; that one person who seems to have resolute ability to make most anything they want become a reality.

What is it about that person that they can seemingly bring their dreams to life?  What is it that they have that they are able to dream up something, and the next thing you know, they have it?  Not just material things, but they are able to bring about positive moves in their lives, no matter what.

Are they just naturally favored, lucky, or blessed?  Not necessarily.  What sets this individual apart and makes their path so positive and prospered?

I pondered this question for a long time.  I've looked at examples of people, who, no matter what happens, they seem to come out on top.  Not diminishing the importance of hard work and planning, but sometimes these fortunate folks seem able to accomplish miraculous feats without much effort at all?  Why?

One thing I have learned in life is the power of belief and decision.  Part of the reason that I understand the power of belief, is because my faith in God is based on it.  However, from a practical perspective, I have watched people who weren't necessarily the smartest, most attractive, or most talented, but they believed in their abilities, and were therefore able to accomplish incredible tasks. 

Somehow, limited people have been able to reach limitless heights for two reasons: First, because they decided they were going to, and second, because they believed they could.

The decision comes first. The decision that something has to be done, and that I'm going to be the one to do something.  Next, comes the absolute belief that I can do whatever needs to be done to change my situation. 

Much was the case with this woman with "the issue of blood."  She had been plagued by this issue for 12 long years, and had apparently exhausted all efforts to resolve this issue.  The passage of scripture says that she had spent all her money to on doctors to try to cure her medical condition, all to no avail.

During the course of those 12 years, she likely had some moments of hope, when she thought she was coming close to a cure.  She probably had some days when she felt better than others, and thought that this plague would soon be gone from her.  But some days, she undoubtedly awoke, feeling week and unable to function, and as a result, drifted back into a ditch of despair.

This was her body, her disease.  She couldn't escape it.  She probably woke up every morning, conscious of the fact that she had a problem in her body that she couldn't fix.  Her friends likely tried to encourage her, tell her that it could be worse, in an attempt to help her see the bright side of her affliction. 

But, again, the infirmity was living and thriving within her body.  She probably felt there wa s no bright side.  It was not someone else's sickness, it was hers. It was not something she could forget or escape. There was only so much her friends would've been able to understand. 

I have been told about this story in the Bible for most of my life.  This story was used as an example to illustrate the importance of faith.  Faith being akin to belief, it makes sense that the point of the story was that the woman believed a change was possible for her life. 

That makes sense to me.

Another significant point, however, is that she had to come to a point of decision, where she became tired of her situation enough to personally resolve that things had to change. I believe that her decision came first.  Next, came her belief that the situation would change. Having made that resolve, she then reached out to the only source that could remove her pain forever.

At the age of 28, I began experiencing some abnormal symptoms--extreme thirst, having to go to the bathroom often, nausea--all types of things I wasn't used to.

After going to my family practice doctor and being told that my blood sugar was so high that the reading wouldn't register on the meter, my doctor surmised that I was probably a diabetic. She called an ambulance and had me rushed to the hospital.  Even with coma-level blood sugar readings, I was still my fun-loving, good-natured self.  On the way to the hospital, I joked with the EMTs in the ambulance; they couldn't believe that I was conscious and still laughing with levels that high.

After a week-long stay there, a young, handsome doctor came in with my chart, stood over my bed, and told me that I was "likely" a Type 1 diabetic.

I looked up at this doctor, his youthful face, detached disposition, and smooth hands, and I wondered what it felt like to have to deliver life-changing news to people every day.  He seemed virtually unaffected as he stood above me and told me that I would have to take insulin shots every day for the rest of my life.

Something just didn't add up.  He said I was "likely" a Type 1 diabetic.  Okay, so if he said I "likely" was, who was going to give me the definite diagnosis?  

The next day, an older, formidable nurse stepped into the room and with an orange and syringe and showed me how to inject myself with insulin.   I was still in shock.

Finally, after days of confusion, visits from multiple doctors and nurses, and my body being riddled by  saline IVs, insulin injections, tests, and pills, I was released to go home.

But, released to what?  I was still confused about my diagnosis; since he said "likely," I wondered if something else could be wrong with me. 

Over the course of the next 2 years, I would go on to master insulin formulas, carb ratios and blood sugar readings.  I got so skilled at handling this disease, I could awake from sleep, check my blood sugar and inject insulin, all while still being half asleep.

I became more conscious of what I put in my mouth, and calculated the effect that various foods would have on my body and blood sugar levels. 

I went to the gym, I worked out more, planned my meals, cut out fast foods, and lost about 25 pounds.

I was not a heavy person to begin with, but focusing more on my body and overall health caused me to become leaner and overall a healthier person.

Then, a funny thing happened.  The insulin I was taking every day started to have an adverse effect on my blood sugar.  The amounts of insulin that were supposed to keep my blood sugar regulated were now causing it to go lower than normal.  I consulted with my endocrinologist, and together, we kept reducing my daily insulin dosage, until I was down to no insulin at all. I returned to a life free of artificial injections, and my body resumed its ideal settings, releasing its own insulin into my bloodstream.  My blood sugar levels returned to normal without the aid of injections. 

I was free. I had never felt such a feeling of release in my life prior to that point.

Fast forward 6 years later. I found myself back in the boxing ring with Type 1 diabetes again. This time, levels staying consistently high for days on end.  Battling being overwhelmed at work, walking an internal tight-rope with life by losing focus on my holistic health.

The severity of my condition seemed to have reached its apex at this point. My endocrinologist and I were frantically adapting formulas, studying readings, trying to get my body to return to a more solid state of health and balance.

I was frustrated.  Often discouraged.  Feeling defeated. What happened? 

Much like the woman with the issue of blood, at this point, I had depleted resources and exhausted all efforts to fix this problem within my body--this issue of blood.  

After days of struggling, being confined to medical leave, being juggled between doctors and specialists, I grew weary of my infirmed existence.

Finally, the realization hit me again.  In order to change my situation, I was going to have to decide that I was not going to remain in this quandry.

I had decided it years ago, believed that I had it in me to change things, and as a result, my whole life turned around.

Equipped with that reminder, I changed direction.  I called a definitive end to the calamity that had wrapped itself around my life and my body. 

I decided that enough was enough.  The whole notion of being encumbered with weakness and infirmity is dead to me now.  Once I uttered a firm "cease and desist" to the idea of sickness, I closed the case on the dead energy that once stunted my progress.

I realized that I couldn't live that way.  And guess what? I decided that I will not live that way.  

10 days after my decision:  Insulin injections are now at 1/3 of what I once needed to keep my levels normal.  Today, I took the regular dosage, and it dropped my levels below normal.  

Translation: my body does not need the amount of insulin that I once used to take.  I made the decision, accompanied it with the belief, and my body is responding.

Cease and desist, issue of blood.  I've decided against you, and I believe that your time has come to a close.

Stones of Purpose

"In your 20s, you follow the rules; you go to college, you get your degree.  Then, you get a job in your field of study.  You work that job, stay with that job, grow, develop, take on more leadership roles in hopes of advancement.  Then, sometime in your 30s, you begin to look around you. You start to ask yourself, 'Is this the life I expected to have, based on following the rules?  I've done what everyone else says you should do to be successful.  Now what??'"


My father spoke these words to me in a conversation we had a few weeks back.  His words stirred inside me and launched me into a spiral of deep thought.


In my twenties, I followed the rules. I got career jobs, pursued my college degree, and then got a job in my field.  I was never a rule-breaker, so the path that everyone else suggested for me to reach success was one that I willingly followed.  I took the seminars, sought out mentors, training, took more responsibility, and was constantly reaching for the next level of advancement.  


One thing I have always admired and appreciated about my Dad has been his constant thirst for growth and knowledge.  My father has always been in some form of church ministry, but he has equipped himself with an arsenal of formal education to support what he does in the ministry.  He is constantly re-evaluating this body of formal training and knowledge and seeking to expand it.  When I was in my teens and twenties, it seemed that every time I turned around, my Dad was going back to school for something.  As a young person, I thought, "why would anyone want to keep going back to school if they didn't have to?"


What I didn't understand but have come to recognize now, is that life is about continual growth, and we have to fight to keep from ourselves from becoming stagnant.  Every now and again, we as students of life must re-evaluate our position and seek to equip ourselves with more tools. Whether it be education, new personal or professional connections, training, experiences, opportunities--we constantly have to be reaching for that next platform in our lives.  There is never a point of arrival.


Still, my father's question begs an answer.  Now what?


Another very poignant statement that my Dad made during our conversation was this: "You've been faithful over a few things. When do you become ruler over many?"


In my interpretation, ruler and master are essentially the same thing. My Dad was asking me, when will it be my time to find the niche, the slot in life that I am built for? When will I be the ruler, the master of a silo that I can call my own?


During the course of my life, I have found that I am capable of doing a lot of things. I've been in various industries and professional arenas, from the travel industry to academia, to social services to private sector business. Knowing that I am capable of operating successfully within a variety of arenas is a good feeling.  However, finding THE platform upon which I can thrive and be successful using the natural gifts within the core of my person could be possibly the most fulfilling feeling of my life.


The phrase, "jack of all trades, master of none," signifies a person who can do a lot of things, but hasn't found one thing of which they are the master.  I believe that, for each of us, there is something we are innately born with--be it a gift, a talent, an intuitive understanding of a complex subject--something that sets us apart from everyone else in this world.  Within that one thing lies the key to our highest success and fulfillment.  


Not to say that our gifts and talents don't need development, but that they are innate and, when fine-tuned by development, they become superlative compared to what others may do.  Classic example: Jackie Robinson was born with natural athletic ability.  Using his natural ability, combined with practice and discipline, Jackie Robinson was not just a baseball player; he was a phenomenal baseball player. He had something that other players who practiced just as hard, did not have.  He had something God-given that ultimately made him stand out among his fellow players.  Athleticism was the gift that God gave Jackie Robinson. 


What is that natural, innate gift, ability or knowledge that God has given me?  What is the one tool that I could employ that would make me feel as if I am doing what I was born to do?  I can do a lot of different things, but what is the one thing that I must do?


When I was 11 years old, I had it all planned out.  I was going to be a child psychologist. I was going to spend my days helping children unburden themselves of shameful pasts and the pain of innocence lost.  I would get my degrees in psychology and child development, so that I could help these children get free of the vices that stood to possess them and ruin their lives.  I was going to start college straight out of high school and finish in 4 years,  by the age of 21. I would do some additional training, and possibly obtain a masters degree in psychology by the age of 25.  I would meet my husband in college; we would marry when I was 25 or 26.  I would have children somewhere between the ages of 28 and 30.  My spouse and I would raise three healthy, well-balanced children; I would have the skills to raise them with solid self-concept and esteem.  My husband and I would be like Cliff and Claire; our children like Theo, Vanessa, and Rudy. That was my plan. 


Things, however, did not work out that way. 


Now, I am 36 years old.  I have a bachelor's degree in Journalism and Electronic Media.  I have spent 6 years developing a career in Web and online media.  A career that, from my perspective, has gone nowhere.  I've never been promoted, and I am 6 years in. I did the work, I put in the time, the discipline, but haven't found ultimate purpose there.


Yes, in my thirties now.  No spouse or children yet.  I am at a crossroads, where I am unwittingly being required to evaluate the path I have taken in life. I have pursued education, learning, personal growth and development.  I took the measures necessary to educate myself and carve out a person with strong morals, ethics, and compassion for humankind.  I have built strong relationships, both personal and professional, based on longevity and mutual respect.  Now what?

• I have an education, and more than 12 years of professional work experience, in a variety of areas, and have proven that I can learn any skill required, given an opportunity to do so.  Now what?

• I am great friend, patient listener; one who empathizes with the dilemmas of those around me.  

• I am a respectful and loving daughter who has strong relationships with my parents.  I have grown to see them as flawed human beings, while still paying them homage as the foundation for who I am. 

• I am a supportive sister, who lends her time, effort and resources to building up her siblings and helping them be strong, productive individuals.  

• I am a loving aunt who takes time to reach each of my growing nieces and nephews in their current chronology. For all of them, I am only a text or a phone call away.

• I have amassed years of experience, skills, strong relationships, character and morals.  But still, there has to be more to life than this!

So "Now what"


In these days of rich contemplation, I am being forced to ask myself some tough questions.  For instance, when I die, how do I want people to remember me?  What do I want to be known for having done?


That's a morbid question, but it really puts things in perspective.  In order to look at your life and what you want it to be, sometimes you have to step into the future and look back at what you would have wanted your life to have been. 


Ask yourself, "In an ideal world, what would I have designed my life to have meant to me, and to others?"  In other words, if you carve out a list of what you would've wanted your life to mean, you can revise that list and then create the life you want, based on your options now.


I think that's what they call a Plan B.  At this point, I'm probably on Plan C or Plan D, having been through several twists, and unexpected turns.  


I am not at all ungrateful for the life that I have.  Statistically, I should be far worse off than I am.  


I know that I am in a relatively good place, based on the planning I did do, even if things didn't turn out the way I expected them to.


What's more, I am eternally grateful for parents, mentors and friends who ask me the tough questions that push me forward toward higher levels of growth.


So,"Now what?"  


There is no simple answer to this question.  However, my years of experience suggest to me that, even if don't know what is next, I do know what isn't next.  What isn't next is spending any more of my time being a "jack of all trades, master of none."  My life has to matter to me, even if no one else understands what I do.  


So, I won't be giving a second of my time to anything that doesn't bring me closer to my ultimate purpose. 


No more doing things just for the sake of doing them. No more subscriptions to someone else's formula for success.  I have to find what works for me, even if people get angry or don't understand.


I am not a rebellious person, so it will take some effort to revamp my stance.


I have to spend every waking moment of my time reaching for the next platform in my life.  Until I reach that next platform, my focus will be immersing myself wholly into the search for my core gift--that one reason that God created me to be, inhabit and live on this earth for an unknown span of time.


I am searching my heart for the things that matter most.  Each nugget of meaning is being carefully extracted from a safe place behind my heart.   I am laying these treasures out on a long wooden table.  I'm taking a risk, removing these precious stones from their protective chamber.  But it's worth it. 


I believe that, by examining what is most important to me, I will find what is closest to my core person.  Somewhere, amongst all these gems lies my God-given, innate gift--my purpose. 

Now what? Seems to have a pretty easy answer now.  Clandestine within these priceless crystals is the one gem that I've been searching for my entire life.  That undeniable sense of meaning; the key to a life of clear intention.  That's what is next.  Now is the time for me to find the treasure that I seek.  


"Now what?"  Now, what I am focused on, is a life of sheer intention. 


A life of purpose.