operate

Operating without functioning vital organs.

They're there, but they are not functioning.

Shelf of human organs that aren't being used for their intended purposes.

Gnarled up in shame and pain,
shorted out because of faulty wiring,
nerves deadened,
skin cells burnt,
ventricles pierced.

Hush the background noise,
silence the music
and the voices of the naysayers.
Apply the anesthetic so they won't feel any pain.

Pull it up by the strongest part,
remove the obstructions
in this heart.

Scrape out the infection,
cleanse the affected area,
remove the breach,
disinfect the wound.

Apply the healing salve.
Clean it out thoroughly.
Pump clean blood in,

Let me see if I get this straight:

You're saying:
I'm all messed up inside.
I'm hurt. I'm angry.
I'm stunted.
I'm not at the place in my life where I can give myself in this way.
But I like having you around.  I'm comfortable with you being around.

caution and wonder

I wonder if what I’m wishing is worth it.

I wonder if wishing and waiting is worthless and if wistful watch only proves to be a waste.

A waste of precious time, energy, effort.

I probably could’ve had 2 Masters degrees right now, if I had focused my efforts on something worthwhile.

Trust me little Sis, it’s never wise to allow your sunshine to reside in someone else’s uncaring back pocket.

It’s never a good plan to reach for a hand who’s not reaching for you.

It’s never right to stay up at night, thinking and dreaming about an existence that weighs so heavily on someone else’s motives and whims.  

And Yes, you #can be a “you” without a “him.” 

It’s never wise to sell yourself lies just because you don’t see your own value in someone else’s eyes.

I could’ve adopted 2 or 3 babies by now, started an orphanage or even become a lawyer--I could've been the single Claire Huxtable - all in the space of time spent…

Oh, dear God, clothes rent, shoulders bent, faith meant.

Got to pick up from here, my dear.  There must be better pastures on the horizon.

Word of caution as true as the law, son:   just don’t look for another pair of eyes to get lost in.

SOUNDTrack: Lessions and Lyrics, Lifts and Loops

I’m at a definite crossroads right now.

Laying it all down, and going down for the last time…

I read something about that the other day…

“Going down for the last time….”

Not exactly sure what that means….

But anyway….

These "cross" roads are clearly marked,

With lights, stop signs, yields, flashing yellow lights  and music.

As if I had any question at all…

I am definitely at a crossroads.

Every sign of that is present, clear and undeniable.

So, what do I do now?

How do I navigate down the right street?

How do I choose the correct path?

Here I am.

Here I stand.

There are tons of well-wishers waving me on…

I just wish I could see what directly they are waving in?

Perhaps a clue of what I should do.

I could go there, but indeed,  I won’t.

For any pivotal transition, one needs appropriate score, theme music, as it were, to help carry them through the tedium of the journey.

The SOUNDTrack for my "Crossroads Season":

1.      Pat Metheny: To the End of the World - 12 minutes of awesomeness, relaxation, whirlwind, and epiphany. #Clutch for the times when I don't know what to think or to say.

2.      Marcus Miller: Boomerang - hush and quiet for my harrowed soul

3.      Yellowjackets: Indivisible - a musical depiction of the winding turns of my journey, all to come out smooth on the other side.

4.      Yellowjackets: Geraldine - she sings, I listen.

5.     Yellowjackets: The Hope - since believing is all we can do, with the hope that we live for, too.

6.     Andrae Crouch: Just Like He Said He Would - for obvious reasons.

7.     Tramaine Hawkins: When You Pray - because sometimes you need to, "just have faith."

8.     Dawn of Destiny: Dawn of Destiny - because I am inwardly prepping myself for something I cannot see. Reaching for the #dawn of my #destiny. My brother wrote this song, and he captured so much.  He is a genius.

9.     D'Angelo:  Really Love - definite choice for just about any soundtrack. Comforting melodies and an intoxicating groove.  I kind of get mindless with this song.

D'Angelo: Feel Like Love  - strictly a groove choice.

11.   Dawn of Destiny: Don't Let Her Go - because, don't. Don't do that.

1. Erykah Badu: Bag Lady - because I'm getting rid of the dead weight, like I'm supposed to.

13.   Andrae Crouch: I'll Still Love You - because I always will love Him. No matter what.

14.   Edwin Hawkins: Imagine Heaven - because I do.

15.   Hymn:  Love Lifted Me - really, it did.

16.   Richard Smallwood: Jesus, You're the Center of my Joy - always.

17.   Bob Bailey: Lifter of My Head - He is.

18.   Brandy: He Is - because, well, He absolutely is.

19.   Hawkins: God Is - He definitely is.

20.   Sounds of Blackness: A Very Special Love - unquestionably, it is.

21.   Soul II Soul: Free Again - so good to be free again, and have a good time.

22.   Meshell N'degeocello: So Beautiful - yes, it is.

23.   Hymn:  More Love to Thee - need this always.

24.   Hymn:  I Need Thee Ev'ry Hour - absolutely dying need.

25.   Gerald Loyd: He's Able (Challenge the Lord) - yes, He is!

26.   Gerald Loyd: It's My Turn Now - it is, it is!!

27.   Luther Vandross: So Amazing to Be Loved - follow you to the moon and the stars above.

28.   The Stylistics: Betcha By Golly Wow - I just betcha.

29.   Earth, Wind & Fire:  Can't Hide Love - music, vocals, the entire experience.  I love it when Dawn of Destiny performs this.  And I betcha….whoaaaaahh…feelings showwww!  #DoThat #Yassss!

30.   Stevie Wonder:  Overjoyed - can't wait to be.

31.   Oleta Adams:  Beams of Heaven – as I go….through this wilderness below…Guide my feet in peaceful ways…turn my midnight into day….

32.   Gerald Loyd:  I Thank You Lord – Lord, I see how far I’ve come… You’ve brought me with Your powerful arm, from a mighty long way…You gave me sufficient grace, to help me to run this race, each and every day….#Preach!! Through many dangers, toils, and snares, I have already come!  Twas your grace that brought me safe thus far, and grace will lead me on! When I look around and see, everything that You’ve done for me…I Thank You, Lord!

33.    Tramaine Hawkins:  Take My Sad Heart and Make it Glad – Set me free, dear Lord, from myself, I pray…Every time You start to move in me, I get in Your Way! Always trying to see, when nothing’s clear to me….You saw my beginning, and You’ll see my end…So, on You Lord, I will depend.  You can take my sad heart and make it glad!  Help me Lord, not to be shaken, by the things that I see, nor what it appears like, for it doesn’t have to be…All things work together, that means the good, that means the bad….So, You can take my sad heart and make it glad!

If you can get it out of your mind, I guess you can get it out of your heart.

eek...

Okay, that's all I'm going to say about that.

If I could just stop thinking and biting and picking at my nails.  I'm wasting my own money on these acrylics.... *ugh* eyeroll....

Peppermint oil for the pain in my back, and I'm over here at work smelling like "church mints"....LaSha....*LOL tears*

Well....

"Just make a solid decision to go forward from here in a different way than you have in the past."

“Mountains, not so high, when measured by the love you bring to me.

Valleys, not so low, if measured by the joy you bring to me,

Happiness is just another word, without the gift of love that only you can bring…

Loving you is easy…”   (never has been, though)?

Nail biting, soul-rendering, damnable stress… and for nothing??

UNsold. UnSnaked, UnMoved. UnMatched. 

#Welp. At least I have my prayers and good music.

Echo

When it becomes comfortable for another human being whom you admire to disregard your presence

Diminish your importance 

Deny your beauty

Disgrace your goodness

Discard your efforts

Overlook your kindness 

Underrate your preciousness 

Offer you nothing while you offer them all you have to give,

Seldom respond, if ever to your gestures of concern, 

Shoot down your expressions of warmth and benevolence, 

When it becomes commonplace for you to reach out yet never find them reaching back...

Then it becomes necessary for you to re-examine the total scenario:

If not for what you give, nothing else is given? 

So, if you withdraw your efforts, nothing is done?

Without your words of concern, none are expressed?

If not for the echo of your own unanswered voice, nothing is heard?

When next-to-nothing is no longer good enough;

When it becomes commonplace that you are reaching out for a human connection, only to find yourself standing in an empty room alone...

It becomes apparent that you can find no heart-to-heart bond, you may need to resolve that the other person does not care. Furthermore, you could conclude that they are unworthy of your love and devotion if they are unable or unwilling to show you a mere reflection of the same.

It becomes imperative that you sow your seeds of love and kindness elsewhere, in fertile ground, where they can be nourished and grow. 

It becomes the backdrop, the scene and the soundtrack for loving out and moving on.