The Richness in Experience

I've been reading some old journal entries lately, and needless to say I have been through a lot of thoroughly-documented emotion.  It's amusing to look back at the thoughts I had from 8 or 10 years ago about my life and the direction I thought it was taking.

It's also interesting to find that I am in some of the same predicaments and situations now that I found myself in 10 years ago.  Does that mean I haven't changed? No.  Does that mean I haven't grown?  Not at all.

What it means is that "the more things change, the more they stay the same."  Basically, a lot of factors in life don't change.  People remain selfish, life remains unpredictable.  People argue over politics and religion.  They eat too much, drink too much, indulge in all manner of insatiable appetites, yet are still unhappy.  We always want what we cannot have, and are ungrateful for what we do have.  Love is a crapshoot.  Humans are flawed.  Life is but a moment.

All of these things have remained the same over the years.

What has changed is me.   My perspective has changed.  My approach to life has been twisted, turned, bent, broken, and rebuilt.

There are still many things about this life that I do not like.  However, I have chosen not to hinge my happiness on the choices of others.  I still get upset when I am mistreated. I still get frustrated with injustice.
But I have accepted that these things exist and that I will continue to encounter them until I die.

My focus is less on what others are doing these days and more on what I will choose to do in response.  I am angling my efforts in the direction of progress.  If it doesn't bring progress, I don't want it.

I still have much to learn.  And I realize that being so passionate about life has been both a blessing and a curse.

Regardless of who and what has come and gone in my life, I am still here.  Still evaluating, still navigating, still moving swiftly past trouble into peace. I am learning to be patient with people, and with myself as well.

I am grateful to see a positive change in my life; I'm reaching for better days and a happier heart.  A glance back at my old self gives me a sweet smile of accomplishment.  I am grateful for the lessons I've learned and for the how they have molded me into a better person.

One day, I'll look back at the person I am now. More years, more wisdom, more experience will have been added to me. Exponential greatness awaits; it's been a bittersweet journey thus far.

Perfectly Angry & Bitterly Single in 2004

*This is journal entry from 2004.  I came across it and the perfectly-articulated anger just had to be shared... LOL.  It wasn't funny at the time, but it's amazing what we deal with as singles trying to find our "other half".

Saturday, 2.7.2004

Okay.  So much for being content.  Today blew up in my face like a set of roman candles.  I woke up this morning feeling really sad, not wanting to get out of bed and start my day.  I just thought if I could lay in the bed, maybe I could escape my reality for a little longer.  Maybe when I woke up, things would be different. 

Now, mind you, it’s not that my life is all that horrible.  I have a great mom, who is very supportive.  She doesn’t pressure me about when I’m going to get married and give her some grandkids.  She’s single and unattached like me, and she knows how challenging it is to be found by the right guy. 

I like my job okay (I guess).  School is coming along great.  Sometimes the pressure of it all is a bit too much, but I admit that I do take on a lot.  I am actually bored without a lot to do.  Even with working full-time and going to school full-time, I’m still bored a lot. 

My family is cool.  My brother and I are really close.  We don’t get to talk often, but we have a bond that thrives without a lot of conversation.  I have some good friends.  Quite a few of them are all anxious about getting married and having children.   Most of them are a little older than me, so perhaps their biological clock is ticking a little louder than mine.  They say I’m lucky to be 28.

Truthfully, I really don’t have anything to complain about.  I am thankful that all my basic needs are met—I am healthy, and I have a bright future ahead. I guess that’s just how humans are.  We can have a good life, but still manage to find something wrong with it. 

Yesterday, I was content with being single (meaning being unmarried and not having a boyfriend).  Today, I’ve been pissed about being single.  Talk about mood swings.  I woke up feeling sad.  I felt like crying.  Then, my mom said something, and we started a conversation, and I started crying.  She was talking about how she’s been praying for me because she could tell I was depressed.  I have been depressed for almost 2 weeks now.  

I have moped around, been kind of quiet.  Eventually, I got sick.  I have had the stomach flu for the past week.  After having the stomach flu, I developed some sort of gastro-intestinal deal, caused by too much acid being produced in my stomach.  All last week, I lay around in the bed, too sick to move, and too sad to want to.  Now that I am better, I have to get up and start moving again.  This sucks.

It’s not that I have to have everything I want.  I don’t think it’s that bad.  I’m not one of those people who thinks the world is all about me.  I do notice other people.  I do see the pain in their faces.  I pray for them.  I wish that I could help them more.  I am not one of those selfish people with their head up their own rear airbag.

On the contrary, I try to think of other people.  Do I try to help for the sake of helping them?  Or do I help so that I won’t feel like a selfish blowhard?  A valid question—one I don’t know the answer to.  All I can say is that I’m not callous or self-absorbed.  I do care about other people.

Part of the problem is this whole notion that I have to earn the right to have a husband and kids.  I don’t know where that comes from, but I have had a twisted thought that God is watching to see how many selfless acts I commit, and after my ____th one, He will answer my prayer for a family.  That is totally nuts, I know. 

It’s like those tickets at Chucky Cheese’s—you have score up enough tickets to get that big prize you want behind the counter.  Where did I get that from?

The only thing I can think of is my childhood. Yeah, everybody blames their dysfunction on their childhood.  I’m not blaming my childhood.  I’m just suggesting that maybe this is where the thought originated. 

When I was a kid, my parents would reward me for getting good grades, or they would let me get a new dress if I was going through a particularly rough time with something (i.e. being picked on in school, etc.).  That was probably not a good habit for me to get into, but it worked at the time. 

I don’t know what to say.  I am so pissed that I can’t have things the way I want them. I guess today was nothing more than an internal temper tantrum.  Well, it doesn’t feel any less real just because I’m 28 years old.  

What sucks is to really want something and to not be able to do anything to get it.  

I want more than anything for my friend (soon to be ex-friend) of 15 years to tell me to my face why he has chosen to run away from me.  Why he takes the chances he has to eff around with my emotions when he sees me, just because that’s what he wanted to do.  I guess it felt good for him.  He has totally disregarded my feelings, and hasn’t even turned around to say why.  

I think he owes me an explanation.  Now, all the self-help books as well as my mom would say that no one owes me anything.  I beg to differ.  Friendships are non-verbal agreements.  If you are friends and have any type of real connection, you should be bound by that bond and treat each other with decency and respect.  People want to be your friend and get all the perks that goes with it.  But, as soon as accountability comes into play, they’re ready to bail.  Then, they don’t owe you anything.  They take your best and leave you hanging.  It shouldn't be that way. 

The truth is, that’s the risk I took.  I gave J another chance at friendship, when he’d already shown he was skillful at running away.  What he doesn’t seem to be good at is closeness and candor.  He has run from me off and on for years now. I should never have given him the opportunity to bail on me again.  He is very good at that.   I was just stupid enough to believe that things would be different.  Even my mom thought things were taking a different turn.

So, what do I do now?  Continue to blame myself and hate him?  I don’t guess that’s a feasible plan.  

Although, I would love to tell him face to face how many nights my tears have burned my face and soaked my pillow.  On the other side of him taking the easy way out, there is someone else whose feelings are getting hurt.  Talk about selfish.  I’m the selfish one who only wants what I want?  I would never leave someone hanging like that. Get all emotional and attached, say a bunch of sh$%* they don’t intend to back up, and then split.   

What an @sshole.  My time would’ve been better spent knitting a blanket.  I hate investing my time like that and people don’t even give you the decency of facing you and saying, “You know what,______” whatever goes in the blank.  I should never have given him the chance to bail on me again. 

The sad part is, I am sitting here, pissed off at him.  I have no way to even let him know what a loser move I think he’s made.  I have no knowledge of whether or not things will ever be made right.  Someone has done me wrong.  And the sh$%* is still gaping open.  That’s what I hate about this situation. 

I really wanted for J and I to have something.  I thought we were great together.  I had fun around him, and I thought he was having fun around me.  We laughed, we talked.  He’s an intellectual, and so am I.  I thought that we could build the years of friendship we’ve had into a great relationship.  He’s dumped me out of the picture, with no explanation.  Won’t even face me.  Chicken sh$%* @ss.  I think I deserve better than that. 

And now, I swallow the brick in my throat and go on.  That’s what everybody keeps telling me.  Easier said than done.  Not to mention the fact that I don’t see any wonderful guys ready to take the spot I had reserved for J. I don’t see a line full of handsome, intelligent bachelors who have known me for 15 years, waiting to step up to the plate.  I don’t really see anyone ready to step up to the plate.

J. had the perfect profile. Cultured, smart, witty, driven.

We had the perfect story. Our decade-plus friendship developed into something more. He just didn’t seem to have the balls to just go ahead and have an effing relationship with me.  I don’t see what the big d@mn deal is. 

My mom says it’s narrow to just look at things from your side and not consider the other person’s position.  I have considered J’s position.  But since he won’t talk to me, and hasn’t used his opportunity to talk about what’s going through his mind, his position gets no airplay.   I don’t give a d@mn about sh$%* that he won’t even talk to me about.  If he’d rather trash me with no explanation, that’s his choice.  But he can’t say I haven’t given him the opportunity to tell his side.  He’s refused to talk to me at all.  Let alone have any dialogue about our relationship.  So f*&% him. 

Go on with your life, Kim.  You’ve gotten pretty good at doing that.  You get so caught up in the prospect of something that might happen but ends up not happening, that you are used to people telling you, “Just forget about it,” or “Go on with your life.”  Yep.  

Once-a-d@mn-gin, pick up your shattered dream of companionship with yet another guy, and “go on with your life” until the next @sshole comes around and wants to treat you like garbage.  Sure, that’s what we all live for.  A guy to ignore us.  Not call at all.  Leave our weekends empty and dateless.  You’d think that’s what I’ve been praying for, ‘cause that sure seems to be all I’ve been getting.  Since M, that is.  When was that, ’98?

Whatever. I don’t see how I’m just supposed to act like all this sh$%*  doesn’t matter to me.  Skip to my loo and my boring life with a bunch of papers and homework and students and sh$%*.  No fun for me. No cologne in my weekend.  No dates to take to parties.  No strong arms to lean on.  No car doors opened for me.  But I should be perfectly fine with that, right?  After all, companionship is not a necessity.  It just feels like it is. 

It is just so totally disgusting for people to tell me that I shouldn’t want something that I genuinely want.   Then, to offer me all those d@mn consolation speeches, “Oh, just finish your education first.”  I’ve got at least 4 years before I finish my primary educational goals.  That will put me at the ripe age of 32. 

I don’t think there’s a reason people can offer me as to why I don’t have a husband or a boyfriend.  They can’t say it’s because I’m too picky.  I’m not picky, I’m selective.  Besides, I don’t see a line of guys waiting to ask me out any d@mn way.  I can’t tell you when someone asked me for my number.  Not even the jokes of guys ask me for my number anymore. Not that I would give it to them, or be flattered they asked.  Guys like that don’t even count. Dudes with no goals are a dime a dozen. I refuse to even spend time with someone like that.

My mom said today, “I just don’t think you’re timing has come yet to meet the man you’re going to marry.”  Well what the hell is he waiting on?  I’m not a teenager.  I’m not misguided or clueless or naïve.  I have done some things in my life, and I don’t think a boyfriend is too much to ask.  If J would uncurl from the fetal position and get it together, all this could be worked out. 

His feeble @ss can’t be what’s holding my life up.  That’s actually a ridiculous notion.

What now?  I am called upon to swallow hard, ingest the BRICK in my throat, and go on, as if none of this has affected me.  After all, poor J. Poor J. who has so many issues.  Pray for J.  Keep praying for him.  He needs your prayers. 

The other person always gets the sympathy and understanding.  The benefit of the d@mn doubt.  Not me.  I’m just being selfish and spoiled.  And he’s not?

Whatever.  I can’t continue this way.  I don’t want just a boyfriend.  I’ve wanted J in my life.  I can’t say that I want to go “out there” and just start dating.  I’m not for that.  I usually rely on God to bring people in my life.  I don’t go and get people.  That’s why I get so pissed when sh$%* blows up like this.  

I’m not out here whoring around.  And believe me, it’s not because I don’t want to sometimes.  I try my best not to even entertain that notion.  I stay away from these guys cause most of them will have your clothes off you before you can blink.  Is there any reward for doing things this way?  Or would I be better off to be up under a different man every night.  

I mean, you act like I want to be sitting up in this room by myself.  Like I just chose J. I just went out there, found him, and manufactured feelings for him.  My Mom was the one who told me I needed to deal with how I felt about him.  Why, so I could be devastated right now?  I just don’t understand.  The nausea in my stomach is because I have been digesting bricks—I  don’t understand it, but I am trying to thank God for whatever the lesson is in this....

  

Looking Back at a Smarter Me

I was looking through some files on an old computer, and I came across this journal entry from July 2006.  Suffice it to say that I was on to something back then....

************

So, it’s ten o’clock on Friday night.  I am sitting in my room, staring at my picture with Cuba Gooding, Jr.  Too bad he’s married.  I mean, he seems like a really nice guy.  If he is, his wife’s lucky.

Am I lucky, even though I don’t have a man—a “good” man?  Sure I am. I have a whole lot, even without a man.  

Today, I am happy with my life. I know it’s Friday night, and some people would say I should have some exciting social event going on.  Some hot date. 

Even though I am not inhaling the intoxicating scent of a man’s cologne, or gazing into the eyes of a “tall, dark, and handsome,” I do have a date—I have a date with my own destiny. 

Tonight, there is something much stronger than the ache of an empty womb and the pain of a bare left hand.  I am sitting in my room, perfectly content that I don’t have a husband or children or the threat of either.  Not that I don’t want marriage or motherhood, it’s just that I’m okay with not having those things today.

I mean, we’ve all done that—told ourselves that there’s something out there we’re missing—some once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to meet Mr. Right.  Believed that we’ve got to get out there and stay out there so that we don’t miss our chance.  What chance are we really talking about?  Most of the time we go out and get disappointed.  Either we meet someone who seems really nice, but turns out to be a jerk, or we meet someone who, right away we know is a jerk. 

Well, I have decided not to do that tonight.  Yes, it’s Friday, and I’m a young woman in the “prime” of my life.  Yes I could be anywhere, doing anything, with anybody.  I could be the life of the party.  But, instead, I am the life of my own party. 

Today, I have reached a milestone.  I have grown.  For the first time in a long time, I am totally content with my life as it is.  I don’t feel like I need a boyfriend or husband to have a smile on my face.  I am genuinely happy, and I am celebrating my progress. 

Tonight, I am spending time with someone I love—me.  

************

indicative of much,

certain of nothing,

Your spirit calls me in twilight tone

Pressing past the angst and dawning

Lifeless wishes of your own.

Should chance afford us endeared design,

Our love could stop the hands of time.

The watch night offers breaths to take

In witless rhythm I await

The moment when your breath touches mine

The essence deemed forever's rhyme.

Amorously tranced in my thoughts of you

Dripping sugar in my view.

The leveled plane is synchronized

To endless futures in your eyes.

Win my heart, it's yours to keep,

Lull these doubts and fears to sleep.

Risk the sunrise for my soul,

Drape me with your love untold.

Shape the moon to fit my hands,

Grasp the stars as you have planned.

Tame the wind for me to hold,

You are the kindred of my soul.

Kiss away my inhibitions, and

Confirm this simple premonition.

Unlock the constellations 

For my recreation

Bring me the clouds in your silver hands

Swiftly to me, my secret Superman.

Rescue me from shallow venture

Cloak the sky with your misadventure 

Test the waters, feed my soul

The navigation you control.

Gift me the mountains to rest my head,

Cloak me in rainbows and sun drops of red.

Entangle my dreams with those of your own,

Unravel the threads of the Love not yet shown.

Translate my questions to your language of love

Transform the sorrows to flights of doves.

Endeared to your searching

Mesmerized by your smile 

Create our forever, Happy ever after

Lead me into laughter,

Mold me into richness

Cover me with kisses,

Reveal to me the recesses of your heart

Carve out a place for us to start.

The deepest devotion within my wings

The sweet soft morning that loving you brings.

Genuine wealth of pure intentions

Live through me your greatest inventions

Lift me, love me past the pain

Arms to hold, and strength to gain.

Within your ribcage I remain

God's objective is sustained.

Carry leaves and grains of sand,

Ride the wind to purposed plan.

Knowing truth overcomes objection,

The true object of my affection.

Touch the sun to tell for sure,

Once you know, there's so much more.

Embarking on an infinite journey,

Stretch of longing ended.  Learning.

Castle built with drifts of snow. 

I love him much more than he'll ever know.