As I sit here, listening to the rain beating confidently against my window, my thoughts drift, trying to find a happy place amid the cool grayness of the day.
It's Spring, but it feels like Autumn. The precipitation speaks, words of emptiness, futility, waywardness and sad hope. A heavy cloak of moisture that feels gloomy, with a restless reaching for better days, for shining hope in the pouring rain.
On days like today, I wonder what's lingering beyond this momentary hurt. What is lonely? Is it actually being alone, without human contact? Or is it a void that taunts us no matter how many people are around us?
At first, I'm thinking "I feel lonely today." But what exactly is "lonely"?
I just dropped my Mom off at work. She is literally less than a mile from me now. I am not alone; my Mom, brother, close family members and friends are but a phone call or text away. I'm sitting in Panera, gathering my thoughts and making a feeble attempt to capture them here.
Maybe it isn't loneliness I feel; perhaps it's dissatisfaction - a general unhappiness with my current situation or station in life.
As a single woman, I am unmarried, and I do not have children. I don't have the same things to occupy my time as a lot of my friends, so it behooves me to sort through my own emotions, motivations and actions. I can't afford to be unenlightened - about my world or about myself. I have the time to complete my emotional wanderings and get ahold of myself while I am in this season of singleness. I don't have much of an excuse not to.
For the past 11 months, I have been on sabbatical from work, battling a mysterious medical condition that has baffled doctors and left me with nothing but questions.
I have felt frozen in time - stuck, in a holding pattern. Unable to move forward with any major endeavors because of numerous doctors' appointments and physical challenges.
Sure, I've had plans, blueprints, lists and strategies. However, all of these objectives have disintegrated and fallen through my hands like grains of sand.
As a result, I've made the adjustment to plow on in vague misunderstanding of what's to come, moving in blind faith that something good is on the horizon, even though I have no idea what it may be.
It isn't loneliness that has me in this place; it is, after all, the broth of general dissatisfaction. It's liquid restlessness that courses through my veins at lightning speed. It's a deep desire to be somewhere else...anywhere but here. But if I were "there" instead of where I am now, I would likely tasting this same bitter brine. It appears to be a part of the human condition - general unhappiness, melancholy, and bathing in blueness.
On days like today, I try to overlook the unhappy feelings, embrace gratefulness and find something of value to pass on to others.
I try to be productive; creating blog posts, carving out web design ideas, etc. I make the effort to find another "space" to occupy; to put myself in another place, onward, upward, positive and far from the valley of blue that I find myself in.
Wait...the sun just came out.
I guess there's a message in that. No matter how confident the dreariness may seem, in a moment's time, cold and blue can turn to warm and bright.
Now, I am looking out the same window where the rain fell, and I see a blue sky, puffy white clouds, and the shining sun.
Okay, I've got the message. I don't necessary have all the answers; I don't instantly have the cure for unhappiness. I don't know what's next in my life, nor do I have a complete knowledge of the good that's around the corner. But I am reminded that situations are only snapshots in time; they can change in an instant.
So, while we are waiting for our change, we should attempt to hold on to hope, look past the raindrops and look for the sun.
And there it is.
