The Art of Confusion

The last 3 months have been the most confusing, trial-laden days that I can remember, for reasons of which I am yet unsure....

However, there is an inherent method in this mayhem, even though I've not yet found it.

My last days have been filled with questions, like "Why?" "What did I do wrong?" and "When will things get better?"  

The answers to those questions may never be fully realized, but I have learned that fighting against circumstances, being bitter and angry at life, at God, at people--is fruitless.  That anger and ill-will produces absolutely nothing, but a gangrene poison which festers inside and amputates my hope. Without this hope, just as without legs, I am stunted and stilled, unable to easily move forward to better days.

I have hated life and all that it held, but then, I decided that there had to be something better on the other side of this mountain. 

Along the way, I have discovered the depths of my own strength; I would not have predicted that I could make it through times like these.  

And yet, somehow, I emerged.  I look different, I feel different, I am different.  Taking shaking baby steps, I am moving forward. 

Despite lingering bouts of despair, I can sometimes see the silver lining behind the clouds. New opportunities, strengthened relationships, intricate details falling into place...these occasional glimmers have given me new hope and put legs on both my faith and ambition.

I'm considering career changes, more education, and an intentional exhaustive effort toward the things that make me happiest.  Without those things, any career pursuit, material thing, or relationship means nothing.

I've gone for broke for many people and things, but now, I have decidedly thrown down the gauntlet to wholeheartedly pursue only those things which make my heart sing.

I can faintly hear a low, deep note resonating from within my chest.  I hope to join that singular note with grand melodies, exquisite harmonies, and strings.  Yes, strings. Just as my life has been, my inner song must have crescendos, dramatic swells and, at times, muted majesty.

And just as the crashing waves of the ocean eventually find their still, sweet calm, my life will find its smooth, serene drift.

At long eventual last, peace will come.  The pivotal lesson I have learned is that we find our greatest peace when we surrender.  I am working on that. 

I owe it to myself to make sense of my calamity and to master the art of confusion.

hurricane

ransacked visions
fragments of hope
pieces of a dream
this equation we wrote

symbolizes vague images of the things we reach to be
a clandestine approach, void of pain or vanity.

Because they really matter--the dreams we hold true,
the escobars and minotaurs the lurk, hidden from view.

Why should it matter,  all the whens and the whys?
Because a glimpse of redemption could lighten these blood-black eyes.

Just a glimmer would force the courageous shoulder to meet the grindstone again.
A brief freedom from the litany, a dance of rhythm across the window pain.

Gleefully smitten and washed about
Temporarily released from bludgeoning doubt.

Handsome hands and gallant arms,
soft warm lips that speak no harm.

My sweet dream, and the wings to bear it.
The life I crave and the love to share it.

Window Shopper

Fighting for a dress inside a window..
Window shopping, wishing, waiting for the dress to go on sale.

A dress that will seemingly never be mine;
I can only look at it, wish for it, dream about it,
but never touch it.

Never feel it draped perfectly across my body.

Saving my money, sacrificing, foregoing on other things,
because I want that dress--THAT DRESS.

I can imagine wearing it; how good it will look, how perfect the fit.
I've got the perfect pair of shoes to go with it.

Perfect earrings, perfect accessories, pantyhose.
I even know where I want to wear it.
I just can't seem to get it.
No matter what.
When I have enough money, the store isn't open.
When I go by the store and it's open, I don't have enough money.

It's like the movie "Groundhog Day"; just an ongoing bad dream that I can't seem to escape.
I wake up every morning, hoping it's going to be different.  But alas, still the same.

I've wanted this dress for so long, but each time I go to buy it, I can't close the deal. Then I tell myself to stop wanting the dress so bad.

I try my best to disconnect from my desire for it, and I tell myself to disregard it.  

If desire accomplished is sweet to the soul, the converse must be true.
Bitter are the taste buds which languor after a dissatisfied desire.

And a dress that still hangs in the store window.

cocktail dress

"I must confess, when I wear this dress, I feel like dancing, the whole night with you...

'Cause you are the one, I can see having fun with, not just for the night, but the rest...of my life."

my black cocktail dress
hangs in the back of my closet
draped across a hanger
not worthy of it

my garment
still bears the outline of my silhouette
the movement of my frame
on a perfect night
with the perfect man

if you look closely,
you'll see the spot where he placed his hand
on my lower back
to pull me close
and dance the night away

the scent of his cologne mingled with my perfume
drifts to the front of the closet
reminding me of the sway of his tango
mixed with the glide of my waltz.

my black cocktail dress hangs in the back of my closet
wrapped in the reminder of our love, our friendship, our comraderie

I stand in front of the closet
clothed in the memory of how good it felt for us to be together

the black dress knows that we are meant to be
why don't we?

Copyright 2009, KIMJA

So, a friend of mine posted this question/comment on Facebook, and I was compelled to respond:

Ladies why is it good guys finish last? The root of this question is listening to the Strawberry Letter on Steve Harvey and talking to a good friend today about relationship issues. Bad girls seem to get the decent guys and ladies ignore the good guys. The bad boys always wins? Need the ladies to give their opinions.

Here are the best responses I read, along with my responses:

• "Usually the men I deem as the "good guy" aren't after me. They seem a little judgmental and not so approachable too. Also most good girls were taught not to approach men first so personally it's hard for me to just spark a convo with a man whom I deem a "good guy" bc I don't want to look thirsty lol...plus I feel as though he was raised the same way. Lol smh"   

•  " Sometimes good guys choose bad girls just like some good guys choose bad guys. Haven't understood why that happens. Maybe some folks secretly like the drama that comes with dating a "bad" mate. ??"

• "The good guys don't like me....."

• "Here are my two-three cents.In my opinion the "slow and steady really wins the race". I say that to say this..most people who hurry into relationships do so for the wrong reasons that's destructive in my opinion.  

• "If you are really a good guy in your opinion, it is my opinion that you have acquired the knowledge and experience to understand the components of a good woman. As you utilize self discipline, your principles' and moral compass; in my opinion you have the required skill to make your ruling and in my opinion you won't finish last but first. You will finish first because that woman will become your wife. When you find your wife it is a good thing and if done right you will not have to start over again, you will be DONE! The guys that engage themselves in worthless relationships will have to start over again or pretend just to maintain an unhealthy relationship. Either way the guy that builds a relationship with powerful substance no matter how long it takes WINS! In my opinion and that was a mouth full!"

Here was my response:

"In my experience, good girls also finish last sometimes. Be honest, Gents. Y'all be outchea choosin these heauxes and bypass good women or treat a good woman badly because you aren't done running the streets, and #then want a good woman to settle down with, once you've been everywhere and done everything to just about everybody. #yuk #WhoWantsThat #KeepYourGerms #NoThanks. disclaimer: my experience, as well as that of lots of friends and associates, classmates, colleagues, etc. Extensive research here.

 Can we also suggest that no guy is always "good" neither forever "bad"? Isn't is possible for guy to be "bad" at some point, and then through self-discovery become a better man, aka a "good" guy? The same holds true for a woman. Hopefully as we mature, we grow out of destructive behaviors. I give everyone room for their own personal growth. However, it's not a good feeling to feel "overlooked" just because you demonstrate respect and good character. That's what I'm thinking is meant by "good" guys or girls "finish last," meaning there will, at some point, be someone we want to be with who isn't ready or willing to be committed to be with us. And they may choose to be with someone who, in our opinion, doesn't deserve them. There's always a chance of someone's intentions/affections not being returned. Love is a risk. Just like fruit at the grocery store, you know there's a risk going in. #Seinfeldreference...ha"

Moral of the story:  We should all have some "good" in us, guy or girl, and we should aspire to be good and live good.  We should also expect to find the person that matches our desire for good character.  It's possible, provided we don't limit our horizons too much, or allow stereotypes to dictate our choices.  

Any of us could potentially "finish last" no matter how "good" or "bad" we might be.  

Ultimately, we should upgrade our choices and decisions in maturity and choose a partner who can and will love us the way we each deserve to be loved: completely.

Gestation

Burning indigestion
Worn and waiting
Crying and praying
Loving and hating
Wishing and wanting
Trusting and wavering

Am I a fool to trust a process unseen
With only glimpses and symptoms of what was promised to me

Should I remain in this state of waiting?
You're 38, so you should be dating!

Not interested in the endless tango and fall
If the shoe doesn't fit, don't put it on at all.

But how will you know unless you try?
Some things you know you should just let pass by.

So here I am.
The nursery's painted, the crib is all set
but the view of this miracle
hasn't surfaced yet

I see movement and stirring
sometimes, I feel it inside
but through all this waiting
this pendulum slides

I want it so badly
to see, hold and touch
If I've got to wait longer
I hate to want it so much

When will this discomfort end
The time to be joined to a forever friend
He needs me and I need him
We need each other--for our lives to begin

It's coming, it's time.
Be glad you prepared
For the love of your life
to surround you and a life to be shared.

 



work of insurrection
still holding myself to perfection


Deception
 
wields an "S" on my chest.
Super. Superlative.  Superb. 

"The Best?"
Well, yess.

but can't overachieve every day.
some days, you can only "watch and pray"

Faith without works is dead. 
But "works" won't quiet the worry in your head.

Worry robs today and sneaks past tomorrow
Each day has its own troubles; no need to borrow.

Stiff, staunch and still;
quiet like the wind.

Trying hard to grip the silence 
and begin it again.

Trust dominates an urgent desire;
the effort is high, as the need is dire.

Epicurious descent into pale,bended waves;
with a distant review of a stranger's face.

Strange to estranged,
deranged, rearranged 

and done.

From the well-suited to the righteous,
the sin braves the sun.

Instilled inception of a dream deferred;
wilted salvation of a prayer unheard.