The last 3 months have been the most confusing, trial-laden days that I can remember, for reasons of which I am yet unsure....
However, there is an inherent method in this mayhem, even though I've not yet found it.
My last days have been filled with questions, like "Why?" "What did I do wrong?" and "When will things get better?"
The answers to those questions may never be fully realized, but I have learned that fighting against circumstances, being bitter and angry at life, at God, at people--is fruitless. That anger and ill-will produces absolutely nothing, but a gangrene poison which festers inside and amputates my hope. Without this hope, just as without legs, I am stunted and stilled, unable to easily move forward to better days.
I have hated life and all that it held, but then, I decided that there had to be something better on the other side of this mountain.
Along the way, I have discovered the depths of my own strength; I would not have predicted that I could make it through times like these.
And yet, somehow, I emerged. I look different, I feel different, I am different. Taking shaking baby steps, I am moving forward.
Despite lingering bouts of despair, I can sometimes see the silver lining behind the clouds. New opportunities, strengthened relationships, intricate details falling into place...these occasional glimmers have given me new hope and put legs on both my faith and ambition.
I'm considering career changes, more education, and an intentional exhaustive effort toward the things that make me happiest. Without those things, any career pursuit, material thing, or relationship means nothing.
I've gone for broke for many people and things, but now, I have decidedly thrown down the gauntlet to wholeheartedly pursue only those things which make my heart sing.
I can faintly hear a low, deep note resonating from within my chest. I hope to join that singular note with grand melodies, exquisite harmonies, and strings. Yes, strings. Just as my life has been, my inner song must have crescendos, dramatic swells and, at times, muted majesty.
And just as the crashing waves of the ocean eventually find their still, sweet calm, my life will find its smooth, serene drift.
At long eventual last, peace will come. The pivotal lesson I have learned is that we find our greatest peace when we surrender. I am working on that.
I owe it to myself to make sense of my calamity and to master the art of confusion.
