indicative of much,

certain of nothing,

Your spirit calls me in twilight tone

Pressing past the angst and dawning

Lifeless wishes of your own.

Should chance afford us endeared design,

Our love could stop the hands of time.

The watch night offers breaths to take

In witless rhythm I await

The moment when your breath touches mine

The essence deemed forever's rhyme.

Amorously tranced in my thoughts of you

Dripping sugar in my view.

The leveled plane is synchronized

To endless futures in your eyes.

Win my heart, it's yours to keep,

Lull these doubts and fears to sleep.

Risk the sunrise for my soul,

Drape me with your love untold.

Shape the moon to fit my hands,

Grasp the stars as you have planned.

Tame the wind for me to hold,

You are the kindred of my soul.

Kiss away my inhibitions, and

Confirm this simple premonition.

Unlock the constellations 

For my recreation

Bring me the clouds in your silver hands

Swiftly to me, my secret Superman.

Rescue me from shallow venture

Cloak the sky with your misadventure 

Test the waters, feed my soul

The navigation you control.

Gift me the mountains to rest my head,

Cloak me in rainbows and sun drops of red.

Entangle my dreams with those of your own,

Unravel the threads of the Love not yet shown.

Translate my questions to your language of love

Transform the sorrows to flights of doves.

Endeared to your searching

Mesmerized by your smile 

Create our forever, Happy ever after

Lead me into laughter,

Mold me into richness

Cover me with kisses,

Reveal to me the recesses of your heart

Carve out a place for us to start.

The deepest devotion within my wings

The sweet soft morning that loving you brings.

Genuine wealth of pure intentions

Live through me your greatest inventions

Lift me, love me past the pain

Arms to hold, and strength to gain.

Within your ribcage I remain

God's objective is sustained.

Carry leaves and grains of sand,

Ride the wind to purposed plan.

Knowing truth overcomes objection,

The true object of my affection.

Touch the sun to tell for sure,

Once you know, there's so much more.

Embarking on an infinite journey,

Stretch of longing ended.  Learning.

Castle built with drifts of snow. 

I love him much more than he'll ever know.

I'm asking nicely: Leave me alone.

let it ride
don't stir it
don't wrestle, don't change

it's meant to be as it is
leave it alone
let he natural ebb and flow
of the changing tide
sway things to where they should be
in nature's time.

there's too much to contend with
to try to control everything
the only jurisdiction any of us has is
over our own sense of being

no control over the motives and intentions of others
no say so over who does what, when and with whom
our assignment is to try to catch the tide as it sweeps by
to stay within the gentle flow of our own waters
to be heard, to be validated, to be purposeful, intentional, real and regarded.

our quest is simple but complex at the same time
no one understands us, but it makes perfect sense in our own minds
everyone's an island, an expert, a guru, infallible, invincible

but mistakenly human, flawed, error, dust.
no one has the answers, but everyone thinks they do

we're all foolishly arrogant enough to believe in our own perfection.
yet secretly and painfully aware of our flaws.
when will we decide to approach things realistically?
accept that we know some things, but in the end, we have no real answers.

None of us knows what our tomorrow will bring,
what calamity awaits us on the other side of this sunset,
what tragedy looms in our tomorrow
what triumphs will embrace us beyond the next sunrise
or the final hour of our inevitable demise.

Perhaps it's because we feel helpless not knowing so many aspects of our unknown future
maybe the fear of tomorrow's sorrows plagues us into arrogant trance
of quoting our successes, predicting our gallantry and ignoring our frailty.

I don't have the answers.
and it pains me that I don't.
But the greater pain would be assuming that I have the answers, only to to be irreparably disappointed once I remember that I'm clueless.

There seems to be no fountain of youth,
no euphoria that turns our efforts into a continual stream of reward.
That's why we get discouraged.
We put good out there, and evil comes back toward us.
We sow friendship, but get adversaries in return.

I give understanding, but I'm getting accusation.
I give money, but I still find some lack.
I've listened, but cannot seem to be heard.

The physical pain of dreams deferred and the mental pain of not getting out what you're putting in....

Has me seated right now.
I have nothing to say.
I've been flabbergasted. Shocked.
Bitterly Disappointed.

So what happens next?

I don't feel that I have the strength to definitively say, "oh well, I'll just keep on..."
Right now, I need to take a seat.
I can't go back into the ring right now.
My eye is swollen from the blows.
My strength sapped by the fight.
Resolve has been weakened by the struggle.

I've talked, I've thought, I've worked, I've prayed, I've mused, questioned, reasoned.
Now, I don't have much to say because I've said everything I could.

I need a breakthrough and a break from the evil, the selfishness, wickedness, injustice, hatred, bitterness, and disappointment.

Right now, I'm on mute. You don't hear me, and you won't. I'm through talking.
Through trying to reach people.
Through trying to help people find their way when I'm struggling on my own path.
Done offering understanding.
Done reaching out.
Finished with being taken for granted.
I'm not here for other people's recreation.
I'm a living, breathing, feeling person.
My feelings are valid, my perspective deserves respect.

Leave me alone, to my quiet. Or you'll wish you had.
You don't want me to unleash all of my frustration in your direction, so I'm advising you all:

Let. Me. Be. 

Unpacking

let the burdens down off  ya shoulders

drop the weight into the sea

break the bricks and crush the bolders

no more heavy over me.

9.6.08 - DIVORCE

Do you know what today is? It's your anniversary.

It would have been 38 years today, but there were too many tears to stay.  Too much hurt to resolve, too many many guilty parties involved.

They couldn't make it, and on some days does it not add up.

As I look at my own life, what I value, what I long for--someone to love me, cherish me, respect me, offer me support and stability. These are things we all want. 

We all need that shoulder, that love, that partnership--"someone to love" as Mint Condition so simply states it... Someone to spend time, someone to grow old with.

As I look back over my life, there's so many marriages I thought would make it, but they didn't. They just didn't.

And there are no words to explain, no logic to capture why sometimes there isn't enough love, not enough patience, not enough forgiveness to wade through the sands of time that swiftly turn to quicksand, chlorophyll and strychnine--poison.

Life turns to death, monuments turn to dust, fallen soldiers to memorials left of us.
Too much to turn the pages of the past and revive fond memories. 

It wasn't all bad. It just didn't survive. Like a stillborn baby, so full of potential and possibilities, but not equipped with the vital organs, systems and structures needed to survive.


Still, light a candle for the life that was. Remember all that you dreamed for it to be, for at once, you believed in it, you hoped for it, and you did all you could to preserve that life.


Do you know what today is?  It's your anniversary.

To the Persecutors

driving onward
past the smog
mental pollution
psychological sewage

canned answers
truth dancers

fire eluders
barracudas

The King Fish was the Kingpin
'til a larger fish came and ate him.

Carnivorous, no.
Cannibal, maybe.
Egoist? Sure.
Narcissistic, yeah baby.

You are who you are.
You live what you live.
You dole out judgment
that isn't yours to give.

Who gives you your punishment?
Who metes out your demise?
The talking head can put out
the fire in your eyes.

You are
listless
worthless
waste-less

ill-gotten
ill-spoken
hornet's nest

a winsome wimp
with gluttonous taste.

Everything that's passed you has come to waste.

But your day is coming in great haste.

So, prepare your hearts, and brace your mind.
For the obliterate end of your evil kind.

Somewhere

Somewhere, there's someone who works entirely too much, just like me.

Who worries and frets and is anxious about too much that he cannot change.

Someone who likes jazz music, watches TV to unwind, loves warm breezes and tropical destinations.

Someone who knows the value of life, of living, seeing and doing.

Who works hard, focuses, eats ambition, sleeps his dreams, is fixated on his future.

Someone who knows that you get what you pay for, you learn through your pain, and that you're never as smart as you think.

Someone who loves his mother, respects his father;

Reads often, thinks a lot.

Drinks from the cup of waiting, sips of wondering, walks in needing, breathes in wanting...

Just like me.

Someone, who wants it all, thirsts for more, wishes it were easier, but languors in reality.

He wishes, dreams, reaches and hopes.

Desires the Promise Land, but lives in the wilderness.

He walks around Egypt, stays strong in the face of oppression, but hates the oppressor.

Someone who loves sitcoms, cereal on Saturdays, a good meal, and intelligent conversation.

My ally.

My equal.

My shoe on the other foot.

He likes  to cuddle, loves ocean air, needs football Saturdays and warm stew in the wintertime.

He wishes and dreams for me; he can touch me in his sleep, but wakes to find me gone.

Because just like him, I'm somewhere.

Feverish

Medic! Medic!

I need medical attention!
I think I have the flu, but beyond that,
it appears that I've been
stricken with a worse bug. 


It plagues me.
It bothers me.
It touches me.


Man, I got it bad for this man--
love his dirty underwear.
He's got me in the palm of his handsome hand.


Got me choked up, 
hemmed up
strung out
sprung. 


His way,
His man-nerisms
He is all man,
I want him to be all mine.


I can't take it!
I want to smell his essence, 
breathe in his breath,
touch his being
reach his depth.


He is
the Truth
the One
that I've waited for my entire life.
He carries the other half of me around in his pocket
to do what he wills,
what he pleases.
I'm at his mercy,
his whims.


He promises to guard my heart and my honor.
I trust him,
but more than him. I trust what's behind him:
destiny.


He takes my breath away,
Makes my head spin,
My heart flutter,
My stomach drop...


His efforts to reach me are sublime
and he finds me so effortlessly.
I love the way he strokes my heart.


He works me within my boundaries,
and gently tugs me past my deficiencies.


I'm falling for him
and I don't care if I fall flat on my face 
and crush my jaw.


I'm flying, taking a risk.
Moving past my fears,
Grasping the freedom to 
love--


taking that shaky step
for myself,
to rescue my broken heart
from yet more broken glass
and broken life
spent lonely and afraid.


I love him so much, I physically ache
but he's so worth the risk
of heartbreak
I can feel it--his heart aches 
too.


He makes me swoon,
have an out-of-body experience--
leave conscious space and time,
traveling to an unknown location,
to nowhere I've ever been,
nowhere I've known,
no love I've loved.


I want to stay here,
don't wanna leave.


Leave me alone.
Leave me be.
Leave me to my thoughts.
Leave me in this room by myself 
with my thoughts of this wonderful man,
that I can't get enough of.


I can't help but to love him,
to need him,
to want him.
To cry out for him.


I need his voice to reach me,
Arms to hold me,
Hands to touch me,
Heart to teach me--


Love.


Teach me love.
Unabashed, unabridged, unquenched love.


To heal that which ails me--
A heart that cries for love.