I'm asking nicely: Leave me alone.

let it ride
don't stir it
don't wrestle, don't change

it's meant to be as it is
leave it alone
let he natural ebb and flow
of the changing tide
sway things to where they should be
in nature's time.

there's too much to contend with
to try to control everything
the only jurisdiction any of us has is
over our own sense of being

no control over the motives and intentions of others
no say so over who does what, when and with whom
our assignment is to try to catch the tide as it sweeps by
to stay within the gentle flow of our own waters
to be heard, to be validated, to be purposeful, intentional, real and regarded.

our quest is simple but complex at the same time
no one understands us, but it makes perfect sense in our own minds
everyone's an island, an expert, a guru, infallible, invincible

but mistakenly human, flawed, error, dust.
no one has the answers, but everyone thinks they do

we're all foolishly arrogant enough to believe in our own perfection.
yet secretly and painfully aware of our flaws.
when will we decide to approach things realistically?
accept that we know some things, but in the end, we have no real answers.

None of us knows what our tomorrow will bring,
what calamity awaits us on the other side of this sunset,
what tragedy looms in our tomorrow
what triumphs will embrace us beyond the next sunrise
or the final hour of our inevitable demise.

Perhaps it's because we feel helpless not knowing so many aspects of our unknown future
maybe the fear of tomorrow's sorrows plagues us into arrogant trance
of quoting our successes, predicting our gallantry and ignoring our frailty.

I don't have the answers.
and it pains me that I don't.
But the greater pain would be assuming that I have the answers, only to to be irreparably disappointed once I remember that I'm clueless.

There seems to be no fountain of youth,
no euphoria that turns our efforts into a continual stream of reward.
That's why we get discouraged.
We put good out there, and evil comes back toward us.
We sow friendship, but get adversaries in return.

I give understanding, but I'm getting accusation.
I give money, but I still find some lack.
I've listened, but cannot seem to be heard.

The physical pain of dreams deferred and the mental pain of not getting out what you're putting in....

Has me seated right now.
I have nothing to say.
I've been flabbergasted. Shocked.
Bitterly Disappointed.

So what happens next?

I don't feel that I have the strength to definitively say, "oh well, I'll just keep on..."
Right now, I need to take a seat.
I can't go back into the ring right now.
My eye is swollen from the blows.
My strength sapped by the fight.
Resolve has been weakened by the struggle.

I've talked, I've thought, I've worked, I've prayed, I've mused, questioned, reasoned.
Now, I don't have much to say because I've said everything I could.

I need a breakthrough and a break from the evil, the selfishness, wickedness, injustice, hatred, bitterness, and disappointment.

Right now, I'm on mute. You don't hear me, and you won't. I'm through talking.
Through trying to reach people.
Through trying to help people find their way when I'm struggling on my own path.
Done offering understanding.
Done reaching out.
Finished with being taken for granted.
I'm not here for other people's recreation.
I'm a living, breathing, feeling person.
My feelings are valid, my perspective deserves respect.

Leave me alone, to my quiet. Or you'll wish you had.
You don't want me to unleash all of my frustration in your direction, so I'm advising you all:

Let. Me. Be. 

Unpacking

let the burdens down off  ya shoulders

drop the weight into the sea

break the bricks and crush the bolders

no more heavy over me.

9.6.08 - DIVORCE

Do you know what today is? It's your anniversary.

It would have been 38 years today, but there were too many tears to stay.  Too much hurt to resolve, too many many guilty parties involved.

They couldn't make it, and on some days does it not add up.

As I look at my own life, what I value, what I long for--someone to love me, cherish me, respect me, offer me support and stability. These are things we all want. 

We all need that shoulder, that love, that partnership--"someone to love" as Mint Condition so simply states it... Someone to spend time, someone to grow old with.

As I look back over my life, there's so many marriages I thought would make it, but they didn't. They just didn't.

And there are no words to explain, no logic to capture why sometimes there isn't enough love, not enough patience, not enough forgiveness to wade through the sands of time that swiftly turn to quicksand, chlorophyll and strychnine--poison.

Life turns to death, monuments turn to dust, fallen soldiers to memorials left of us.
Too much to turn the pages of the past and revive fond memories. 

It wasn't all bad. It just didn't survive. Like a stillborn baby, so full of potential and possibilities, but not equipped with the vital organs, systems and structures needed to survive.


Still, light a candle for the life that was. Remember all that you dreamed for it to be, for at once, you believed in it, you hoped for it, and you did all you could to preserve that life.


Do you know what today is?  It's your anniversary.

To the Persecutors

driving onward
past the smog
mental pollution
psychological sewage

canned answers
truth dancers

fire eluders
barracudas

The King Fish was the Kingpin
'til a larger fish came and ate him.

Carnivorous, no.
Cannibal, maybe.
Egoist? Sure.
Narcissistic, yeah baby.

You are who you are.
You live what you live.
You dole out judgment
that isn't yours to give.

Who gives you your punishment?
Who metes out your demise?
The talking head can put out
the fire in your eyes.

You are
listless
worthless
waste-less

ill-gotten
ill-spoken
hornet's nest

a winsome wimp
with gluttonous taste.

Everything that's passed you has come to waste.

But your day is coming in great haste.

So, prepare your hearts, and brace your mind.
For the obliterate end of your evil kind.

Somewhere

Somewhere, there's someone who works entirely too much, just like me.

Who worries and frets and is anxious about too much that he cannot change.

Someone who likes jazz music, watches TV to unwind, loves warm breezes and tropical destinations.

Someone who knows the value of life, of living, seeing and doing.

Who works hard, focuses, eats ambition, sleeps his dreams, is fixated on his future.

Someone who knows that you get what you pay for, you learn through your pain, and that you're never as smart as you think.

Someone who loves his mother, respects his father;

Reads often, thinks a lot.

Drinks from the cup of waiting, sips of wondering, walks in needing, breathes in wanting...

Just like me.

Someone, who wants it all, thirsts for more, wishes it were easier, but languors in reality.

He wishes, dreams, reaches and hopes.

Desires the Promise Land, but lives in the wilderness.

He walks around Egypt, stays strong in the face of oppression, but hates the oppressor.

Someone who loves sitcoms, cereal on Saturdays, a good meal, and intelligent conversation.

My ally.

My equal.

My shoe on the other foot.

He likes  to cuddle, loves ocean air, needs football Saturdays and warm stew in the wintertime.

He wishes and dreams for me; he can touch me in his sleep, but wakes to find me gone.

Because just like him, I'm somewhere.

Feverish

Medic! Medic!

I need medical attention!
I think I have the flu, but beyond that,
it appears that I've been
stricken with a worse bug. 


It plagues me.
It bothers me.
It touches me.


Man, I got it bad for this man--
love his dirty underwear.
He's got me in the palm of his handsome hand.


Got me choked up, 
hemmed up
strung out
sprung. 


His way,
His man-nerisms
He is all man,
I want him to be all mine.


I can't take it!
I want to smell his essence, 
breathe in his breath,
touch his being
reach his depth.


He is
the Truth
the One
that I've waited for my entire life.
He carries the other half of me around in his pocket
to do what he wills,
what he pleases.
I'm at his mercy,
his whims.


He promises to guard my heart and my honor.
I trust him,
but more than him. I trust what's behind him:
destiny.


He takes my breath away,
Makes my head spin,
My heart flutter,
My stomach drop...


His efforts to reach me are sublime
and he finds me so effortlessly.
I love the way he strokes my heart.


He works me within my boundaries,
and gently tugs me past my deficiencies.


I'm falling for him
and I don't care if I fall flat on my face 
and crush my jaw.


I'm flying, taking a risk.
Moving past my fears,
Grasping the freedom to 
love--


taking that shaky step
for myself,
to rescue my broken heart
from yet more broken glass
and broken life
spent lonely and afraid.


I love him so much, I physically ache
but he's so worth the risk
of heartbreak
I can feel it--his heart aches 
too.


He makes me swoon,
have an out-of-body experience--
leave conscious space and time,
traveling to an unknown location,
to nowhere I've ever been,
nowhere I've known,
no love I've loved.


I want to stay here,
don't wanna leave.


Leave me alone.
Leave me be.
Leave me to my thoughts.
Leave me in this room by myself 
with my thoughts of this wonderful man,
that I can't get enough of.


I can't help but to love him,
to need him,
to want him.
To cry out for him.


I need his voice to reach me,
Arms to hold me,
Hands to touch me,
Heart to teach me--


Love.


Teach me love.
Unabashed, unabridged, unquenched love.


To heal that which ails me--
A heart that cries for love. 

Cease and Desist

You ever get tired of something being the way that it has been for so long?  I mean, tired enough to just stop whatever you are doing, and DECIDE to call an end to it? Yeah, me too.


And on this-wise, I'm gonna have to go biblical on y'all. 


Luke 8: 
43And a woman having an issue of blood twelve years, which had spent all her living upon physicians, neither could be healed of any, 44Came behind him, and touched the border of his garment: and immediately her issue of blood stanched. 45And Jesus said, Who touched me? When all denied, Peter and they that were with him said, Master, the multitude throng thee and press thee, and sayest thou, Who touched me? 46And Jesus said, Somebody hath touched me: for I perceive that virtue is gone out of me. 47And when the woman saw that she was not hid, she came trembling, and falling down before him, she declared unto him before all the people for what cause she had touched him, and how she was healed immediately.48And he said unto her, Daughter, be of good comfort: thy faith hath made thee whole; go in peace.

We've all come across that one person in our lives who seems to be so fortunate, favored or "lucky," as some call it; that one person who seems to have resolute ability to make most anything they want become a reality.

What is it about that person that they can seemingly bring their dreams to life?  What is it that they have that they are able to dream up something, and the next thing you know, they have it?  Not just material things, but they are able to bring about positive moves in their lives, no matter what.

Are they just naturally favored, lucky, or blessed?  Not necessarily.  What sets this individual apart and makes their path so positive and prospered?

I pondered this question for a long time.  I've looked at examples of people, who, no matter what happens, they seem to come out on top.  Not diminishing the importance of hard work and planning, but sometimes these fortunate folks seem able to accomplish miraculous feats without much effort at all?  Why?

One thing I have learned in life is the power of belief and decision.  Part of the reason that I understand the power of belief, is because my faith in God is based on it.  However, from a practical perspective, I have watched people who weren't necessarily the smartest, most attractive, or most talented, but they believed in their abilities, and were therefore able to accomplish incredible tasks. 

Somehow, limited people have been able to reach limitless heights for two reasons: First, because they decided they were going to, and second, because they believed they could.

The decision comes first. The decision that something has to be done, and that I'm going to be the one to do something.  Next, comes the absolute belief that I can do whatever needs to be done to change my situation. 

Much was the case with this woman with "the issue of blood."  She had been plagued by this issue for 12 long years, and had apparently exhausted all efforts to resolve this issue.  The passage of scripture says that she had spent all her money to on doctors to try to cure her medical condition, all to no avail.

During the course of those 12 years, she likely had some moments of hope, when she thought she was coming close to a cure.  She probably had some days when she felt better than others, and thought that this plague would soon be gone from her.  But some days, she undoubtedly awoke, feeling week and unable to function, and as a result, drifted back into a ditch of despair.

This was her body, her disease.  She couldn't escape it.  She probably woke up every morning, conscious of the fact that she had a problem in her body that she couldn't fix.  Her friends likely tried to encourage her, tell her that it could be worse, in an attempt to help her see the bright side of her affliction. 

But, again, the infirmity was living and thriving within her body.  She probably felt there wa s no bright side.  It was not someone else's sickness, it was hers. It was not something she could forget or escape. There was only so much her friends would've been able to understand. 

I have been told about this story in the Bible for most of my life.  This story was used as an example to illustrate the importance of faith.  Faith being akin to belief, it makes sense that the point of the story was that the woman believed a change was possible for her life. 

That makes sense to me.

Another significant point, however, is that she had to come to a point of decision, where she became tired of her situation enough to personally resolve that things had to change. I believe that her decision came first.  Next, came her belief that the situation would change. Having made that resolve, she then reached out to the only source that could remove her pain forever.

At the age of 28, I began experiencing some abnormal symptoms--extreme thirst, having to go to the bathroom often, nausea--all types of things I wasn't used to.

After going to my family practice doctor and being told that my blood sugar was so high that the reading wouldn't register on the meter, my doctor surmised that I was probably a diabetic. She called an ambulance and had me rushed to the hospital.  Even with coma-level blood sugar readings, I was still my fun-loving, good-natured self.  On the way to the hospital, I joked with the EMTs in the ambulance; they couldn't believe that I was conscious and still laughing with levels that high.

After a week-long stay there, a young, handsome doctor came in with my chart, stood over my bed, and told me that I was "likely" a Type 1 diabetic.

I looked up at this doctor, his youthful face, detached disposition, and smooth hands, and I wondered what it felt like to have to deliver life-changing news to people every day.  He seemed virtually unaffected as he stood above me and told me that I would have to take insulin shots every day for the rest of my life.

Something just didn't add up.  He said I was "likely" a Type 1 diabetic.  Okay, so if he said I "likely" was, who was going to give me the definite diagnosis?  

The next day, an older, formidable nurse stepped into the room and with an orange and syringe and showed me how to inject myself with insulin.   I was still in shock.

Finally, after days of confusion, visits from multiple doctors and nurses, and my body being riddled by  saline IVs, insulin injections, tests, and pills, I was released to go home.

But, released to what?  I was still confused about my diagnosis; since he said "likely," I wondered if something else could be wrong with me. 

Over the course of the next 2 years, I would go on to master insulin formulas, carb ratios and blood sugar readings.  I got so skilled at handling this disease, I could awake from sleep, check my blood sugar and inject insulin, all while still being half asleep.

I became more conscious of what I put in my mouth, and calculated the effect that various foods would have on my body and blood sugar levels. 

I went to the gym, I worked out more, planned my meals, cut out fast foods, and lost about 25 pounds.

I was not a heavy person to begin with, but focusing more on my body and overall health caused me to become leaner and overall a healthier person.

Then, a funny thing happened.  The insulin I was taking every day started to have an adverse effect on my blood sugar.  The amounts of insulin that were supposed to keep my blood sugar regulated were now causing it to go lower than normal.  I consulted with my endocrinologist, and together, we kept reducing my daily insulin dosage, until I was down to no insulin at all. I returned to a life free of artificial injections, and my body resumed its ideal settings, releasing its own insulin into my bloodstream.  My blood sugar levels returned to normal without the aid of injections. 

I was free. I had never felt such a feeling of release in my life prior to that point.

Fast forward 6 years later. I found myself back in the boxing ring with Type 1 diabetes again. This time, levels staying consistently high for days on end.  Battling being overwhelmed at work, walking an internal tight-rope with life by losing focus on my holistic health.

The severity of my condition seemed to have reached its apex at this point. My endocrinologist and I were frantically adapting formulas, studying readings, trying to get my body to return to a more solid state of health and balance.

I was frustrated.  Often discouraged.  Feeling defeated. What happened? 

Much like the woman with the issue of blood, at this point, I had depleted resources and exhausted all efforts to fix this problem within my body--this issue of blood.  

After days of struggling, being confined to medical leave, being juggled between doctors and specialists, I grew weary of my infirmed existence.

Finally, the realization hit me again.  In order to change my situation, I was going to have to decide that I was not going to remain in this quandry.

I had decided it years ago, believed that I had it in me to change things, and as a result, my whole life turned around.

Equipped with that reminder, I changed direction.  I called a definitive end to the calamity that had wrapped itself around my life and my body. 

I decided that enough was enough.  The whole notion of being encumbered with weakness and infirmity is dead to me now.  Once I uttered a firm "cease and desist" to the idea of sickness, I closed the case on the dead energy that once stunted my progress.

I realized that I couldn't live that way.  And guess what? I decided that I will not live that way.  

10 days after my decision:  Insulin injections are now at 1/3 of what I once needed to keep my levels normal.  Today, I took the regular dosage, and it dropped my levels below normal.  

Translation: my body does not need the amount of insulin that I once used to take.  I made the decision, accompanied it with the belief, and my body is responding.

Cease and desist, issue of blood.  I've decided against you, and I believe that your time has come to a close.